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haveaniceday☑ Pulling out his own eye for atonement. "Nothing changes if you die, but if you live, some things may change."
Source: Saiyuki v5ch26: "Be there," pages 9-26.
What he remembers: ... Everything in those pages.
Highlights:
- Sanzo, Goku and Gojyo.
- Sanzo is a monk. Sanzo's name: Genjo Sanzo.
- His loved one was sacrificed for the sake of other people
- He killed (many? all of?) said people for revenge
- He tore out his own eye to be "equal" with someone whose family was killed by him. This person had his brother's eyes in a jar.
- The resolution to carry on bearing the weight of his actions, choosing to atone by living on
- He was judged for his sins. His own name: Cho Gonou.
... Okay, so. THIS WAS AWFUL.
When he took that memory, everything that happened was numbed by, well, the feeling of LOSS and DESPAIR because of Kanan's death (that's his sister/lover, in case you don't know what I'm talking about). He remembered wanting to die, not caring about anything anymore, least of all himself, and then choosing to live on bearing the weight of what he had done. But he doesn't remember Kanan herself... Just what it felt like to have lost her. As far as he knows, Kanan was sacrificed, he killed everyone in the town, and that's the last he saw of her and that's all he did. l-lol.
Anyway, he wasn't really shaken by the SUDDEN REVELATIONS!! about his nature. He could actually see himself killing people, but not caring enough about someone to do all of that. However, the feelings he remembered having were so strong that he saw how he could have reacted like that if he loved someone that much and this person was taken from him for the sake of people who just wanted to save themselves.
Also, I wanted to essay about Hakkai but I think it's not going to happen anytime soon, so I'll use this chance to talk about stuff o/.
Re: The whole Emerald issue.
When he agreed to attack them like that, he wasn't thinking about people; he was thinking about principles, unfairness (related to the whole "God is incompetent" bit of his first memory and to how they were forced to attack others just because) and minimizing damage. As I said, he's mostly indifferent to people in the emotional department for now. So his reasoning went more or less like "We're all people and it's impossible to tell who the others are attacking- it would make no sense to hurt everyone when we could hurt only one team" and "We defended them during the last round, so they're as good a choice as any."
Now, however, he remembers having a special person and putting her above everyone else, and the feelings that probably drove him to do it. And then Gojyo told him his memory about fighting to save a youkai child's life from someone who wanted to use his soul to save someone else...
So now he's like, "So that's how it is." He put two and two together (he had his glass eye when he was traveling with the Ikkou, so he figured the youkai episode happened after his eye memory), and he can see how his way to see things changed after what happened and his choice to live like that. He thinks his way of thinking was wrong, and now he actually feels bad for what he agreed to do to Emerald in the points game, because in a way, he followed the same logic as the townspeople did when they sacrificed Kanan. Yay.
Miscellaneous.
... Because I'd have to work on this post all day long to give some semblance of coherence to everything else I wanted to say 8D.
* As I said before, he hasn't been able to become emotionally involved yet. I thought this would happen when he remembered Kanan and actually being happy, ahaha, but THINGS DON'T ALWAYS TURN OUT THE WAY YOU THINK THEY WILL. As it stands now, he remembers caring and he can rationalize the reasons why he did that, but he doesn't quite feel them.
* He took to smiling here in Aather because he remembered this one girl at the orphanage who said she didn't want to work with him because he never smiled. It also came sort of naturally to him, body memory and all that, even if he didn't really feel like smiling (some of his smiling icons are still locked, though, because some of them express things he doesn't feel). And when he got his second memory, he remembered smiling to be polite, so it became more deeply rooted in his way to interact with people in Aather too.
* Not saying anything about the Ikkou until we're done with this thread.
* He jumped in to protect Excel in the points game because she was new and it didn't seem fair to him that she was being attacked in a popularity game when she didn't even choose to be in Sapphire. He thought she shouldn't have to pay for the others' impressions of the team.
* He's comfortable in Sapphire! He's not sure what to think about Mau yet, but otherwise, he thinks it's a good fit for him.
On RPing.
I've said this before, but I think it's important to say so here as well... I was in CFUD and Sabra for a very short while and it wasn't enough to get used to things you might assume to be common sense in this sort of RP. And I'm a slow tagger, but it's not personal! I'm just easily overwhelmed and I need to stop doing anything else I'm doing to be able to play. Especially now, when I'm always trying to be careful with Hakkai's motives for everything he says and does because of the memory loss thing. Honestly, I CAN'T WAIT till he regains enough memories to be more like the character I wanted to play, refer to canon, and stop obsessing over every little thing XD;.
But anyway, my point is: I hope you won't be offended if you see me around but I don't reply to you and then you get a reply from me two days later. Some conversations are more difficult to me than others and sometimes I don't have the time or attention span to concentrate on complicated threads, but if this bothers you just let me know and I'll try not to do that with you <3.
Also: ESL is still hard for me, so I'm trying to reproduce Hakkai's translated voice, and not adapt it, because I don't think I could pull that off. /o/
That's it for now!
And I didn't get to reply to the relationships meme in time for the party, but let me know over here if you'd like me to tell you his thoughts on your character or whatever /o/
Source: Saiyuki v5ch26: "Be there," pages 9-26.
What he remembers: ... Everything in those pages.
Highlights:
- Sanzo, Goku and Gojyo.
- Sanzo is a monk. Sanzo's name: Genjo Sanzo.
- His loved one was sacrificed for the sake of other people
- He killed (many? all of?) said people for revenge
- He tore out his own eye to be "equal" with someone whose family was killed by him. This person had his brother's eyes in a jar.
- The resolution to carry on bearing the weight of his actions, choosing to atone by living on
- He was judged for his sins. His own name: Cho Gonou.
... Okay, so. THIS WAS AWFUL.
When he took that memory, everything that happened was numbed by, well, the feeling of LOSS and DESPAIR because of Kanan's death (that's his sister/lover, in case you don't know what I'm talking about). He remembered wanting to die, not caring about anything anymore, least of all himself, and then choosing to live on bearing the weight of what he had done. But he doesn't remember Kanan herself... Just what it felt like to have lost her. As far as he knows, Kanan was sacrificed, he killed everyone in the town, and that's the last he saw of her and that's all he did. l-lol.
Anyway, he wasn't really shaken by the SUDDEN REVELATIONS!! about his nature. He could actually see himself killing people, but not caring enough about someone to do all of that. However, the feelings he remembered having were so strong that he saw how he could have reacted like that if he loved someone that much and this person was taken from him for the sake of people who just wanted to save themselves.
Also, I wanted to essay about Hakkai but I think it's not going to happen anytime soon, so I'll use this chance to talk about stuff o/.
Re: The whole Emerald issue.
When he agreed to attack them like that, he wasn't thinking about people; he was thinking about principles, unfairness (related to the whole "God is incompetent" bit of his first memory and to how they were forced to attack others just because) and minimizing damage. As I said, he's mostly indifferent to people in the emotional department for now. So his reasoning went more or less like "We're all people and it's impossible to tell who the others are attacking- it would make no sense to hurt everyone when we could hurt only one team" and "We defended them during the last round, so they're as good a choice as any."
Now, however, he remembers having a special person and putting her above everyone else, and the feelings that probably drove him to do it. And then Gojyo told him his memory about fighting to save a youkai child's life from someone who wanted to use his soul to save someone else...
So now he's like, "So that's how it is." He put two and two together (he had his glass eye when he was traveling with the Ikkou, so he figured the youkai episode happened after his eye memory), and he can see how his way to see things changed after what happened and his choice to live like that. He thinks his way of thinking was wrong, and now he actually feels bad for what he agreed to do to Emerald in the points game, because in a way, he followed the same logic as the townspeople did when they sacrificed Kanan. Yay.
Miscellaneous.
... Because I'd have to work on this post all day long to give some semblance of coherence to everything else I wanted to say 8D.
* As I said before, he hasn't been able to become emotionally involved yet. I thought this would happen when he remembered Kanan and actually being happy, ahaha, but THINGS DON'T ALWAYS TURN OUT THE WAY YOU THINK THEY WILL. As it stands now, he remembers caring and he can rationalize the reasons why he did that, but he doesn't quite feel them.
* He took to smiling here in Aather because he remembered this one girl at the orphanage who said she didn't want to work with him because he never smiled. It also came sort of naturally to him, body memory and all that, even if he didn't really feel like smiling (some of his smiling icons are still locked, though, because some of them express things he doesn't feel). And when he got his second memory, he remembered smiling to be polite, so it became more deeply rooted in his way to interact with people in Aather too.
* Not saying anything about the Ikkou until we're done with this thread.
* He jumped in to protect Excel in the points game because she was new and it didn't seem fair to him that she was being attacked in a popularity game when she didn't even choose to be in Sapphire. He thought she shouldn't have to pay for the others' impressions of the team.
* He's comfortable in Sapphire! He's not sure what to think about Mau yet, but otherwise, he thinks it's a good fit for him.
On RPing.
I've said this before, but I think it's important to say so here as well... I was in CFUD and Sabra for a very short while and it wasn't enough to get used to things you might assume to be common sense in this sort of RP. And I'm a slow tagger, but it's not personal! I'm just easily overwhelmed and I need to stop doing anything else I'm doing to be able to play. Especially now, when I'm always trying to be careful with Hakkai's motives for everything he says and does because of the memory loss thing. Honestly, I CAN'T WAIT till he regains enough memories to be more like the character I wanted to play, refer to canon, and stop obsessing over every little thing XD;.
But anyway, my point is: I hope you won't be offended if you see me around but I don't reply to you and then you get a reply from me two days later. Some conversations are more difficult to me than others and sometimes I don't have the time or attention span to concentrate on complicated threads, but if this bothers you just let me know and I'll try not to do that with you <3.
Also: ESL is still hard for me, so I'm trying to reproduce Hakkai's translated voice, and not adapt it, because I don't think I could pull that off. /o/
That's it for now!
And I didn't get to reply to the relationships meme in time for the party, but let me know over here if you'd like me to tell you his thoughts on your character or whatever /o/
